I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
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I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
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I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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