i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
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Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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