Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
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I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
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I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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