so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
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Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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