make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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