Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
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It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
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He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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