i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
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i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
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Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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