If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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