I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
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We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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