Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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