I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
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I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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