I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
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dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
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I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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