i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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