Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize