Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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