I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
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Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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