Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
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They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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