thus making me awesome and them whores
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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