New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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