Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
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you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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