I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
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Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
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So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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