Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
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My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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