I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
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Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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