I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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