Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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