She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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