Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
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Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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