Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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