We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
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Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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