So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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