fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
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Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
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I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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