This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
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this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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