Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
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I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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