Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
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So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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