FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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