So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize