he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
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you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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