We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize