it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
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Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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