Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
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I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
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Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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