I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
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I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
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I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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