We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize