You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just got carded by a ten year old.
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I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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