gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
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We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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