a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
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I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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