I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
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He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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