all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
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I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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