I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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