Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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