Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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